Time to change

They’re Not Your Friends

Your spouse, parents, close friends may hate you and there is no point to hold them in your life

No man is an island. Someone smart once came up with that phrase and it’s a pure truth. It’s a bit hard to live on your own, so we surround ourselves with people. Some of our relationships are healthy, we benefit from them, enjoy, feel happy, while others are just garbage, an unbearable burden that we have to bear till we die.

Wait a minute. Actually, we don’t. We don’t have to and we shouldn’t do that. Well, if you like to suffer (and some people weirdly enough find pleasure in that) then no worries, just continue doing that. But if you want to be happy sometimes it’s time to reconsider some of the connections you’ve been establishing for the whole life and move on.

You don’t have to maintain an unhealthy connection with anyone no matter how close you are.

It hurts, it literally hurts when I see grown-ups try to prove their parents they’re good enough while their parents don’t care at all. Or when your friend constantly makes unpleasant comments, so unnoticeable that you can’t react to them but you feel bad, often even exhausted.

No relationship’s worth maintaining if it’s killing you.

I don’t think many people are big fans of that because there’s no point to suffer from that. Just forget about that person and move on, even if they’re your relatives or childhood friends who’ve been with you the whole life.

I know, I know. It’s been told a million times by millions of people and it’s not me who has the right to tell you that. But I just can’t help it. Why should you feel guilty the rest of your life only because your mother, partner, brother or, basically, anyone thinks you’re not that good, you’re doing something not as they expected or you made any choice they disagree with?

Just forget about all these people. They’re not your friends!

How dare you say that about parents?

Yeah, it’s hard to stop seeing your parents or decide you’re not going to see them again. I know, they’re not getting any younger and, for most people, it’s frightening even to think about not getting along with their parents. And anyone who has great relationships with their parents (or, unfortunately, lost them and miss them) keeps telling you you have to see them, cope with their behavior, like them no matter what.

I say don’t do that. It’s great if they make you happier, even if they do some weird stuff or tell you something unpleasant, if you don’t understand their position or the generational gap’s killing you. But if you get nothing but suffering and guilt from this relationship, it’s just not worth it.

Why do people continue trying to make their parents feel they’re good, successful parts of society when their parents are bad creatures, modestly speaking? Why should you try to meet their expectations? It doesn’t matter if you have similar DNA with them, it doesn’t make them good by default. They have to be good enough for you, so you can put much effort to be good enough for them.

Parents have to be good enough for you. Only then should you pay them back with your love, care, attention.

Oh, I wish someone told me that ten years ago. Parents, like other people, are just human beings. And human beings are weak. They make mistakes, they hate, they may disappoint you, they misbehave, they disagree. It’s okay, little can you do with that. Just accept it and, for some of us, it’s good to filter such people out of our life.

When friends are not friends

Friends may be not friends at all too, we all should know that. If they’re unsupportive, rude, if you feel guilty or you’re exhausted after meeting with them, don’t make excuses for them, just get rid of these people. They’re not worth it. It’s better to be alone or with just a couple of friends than to have toxic ones. It’s simple and obvious but we all need to socialize, we all need friends.

Yet we constantly find excuses for that kind of friends, don’t feel well when we spend time with them, try to be as bad as them to make them feel what we feel. Or we try to be as good friends to them as we can. But if you’re constantly not happy with them, it’s not a friendship, it’s a failure.

if you’re constantly not happy with your friends, it’s not a friendship, it’s a failure.

The worst kind

But the worst enemies are those who make us miserable all the time but do something good once in a blue moon. You know the type, right? Have you ever watched House M.D.?

Well, I had a friend who was exactly as Gregory House. He was rude, sarcastic, sometimes even hostile. But whenever I was about to see clearly he was not my friend he managed to do something wonderful. He’d lend me a helping hand when I had a problem, he would make a generous gesture when it was the least expected, he would be a good, polite listener.

After that, I would feel guilty because I’d think I was the one who was a bad friend. Why else did I feel bad about him and, after a while, got some help from him? It looked, back then, it was me who was a parasite in our relationship, so I did my best to improve our relationship. And sometimes I did feel good, I did feel he was a great friend of mine. But it’d never lasted long.

I’m no longer in touch with this person, never call or text him and now I like him. Because rarely does he text me asking about something finding an excuse to talk a bit. And, in the past, I failed to keep my distance from him thousand of times because I thought he’d changed. But he never did. So now, if he texts me or calls me I’m very polite, I hear him out, try to be a good friend, but never text him first after. Please, don’t blame me, I’m trying to be a good person here!

And it feels like the best approach for me is to be friendly and keep my distance with those people. I just don’t want to be rude and feel bad, I don’t want people to be upset even if they’re far from being role models.

It’s hard to break the connection especially with those you’ve known for decades. But sometimes you must do it and do it abruptly. It hurts but eventually it brings more good than bad, you’ll feel free and energized.

But make sure it’s not you who makes these relationships unbearably heavy. What if it’s you who does or says bad insulting things and another person just pays you back? Keep that in mind and assess your relationships unbiasedly, as much as you can. And remember that any relationship is worth very little if you suffer from it.

But before ending a toxic relationship consider working hard to do whatever you can to make them a healthy one. Maybe if you start constantly nurturing the relationship, if you’re patient, kind, supportive and willing to give it a try, you’ll end up with a great relationship and your friend, partner, parent will pay you back with their love and care.

Try to do everything you can to make a relationship great again before ending it.

And if it doesn’t work, end that torture for both of you and move on. There’re hundreds of people right around you willing to be your friends or partners if you try to establish a trustworthy connection with them.

Lifelong learner, iOS Developer striving for self improvement

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